Boo! Boo? Boo boo.

 

ELINOR, 122

What are you up to this evening?
The crushing loneliness of non-corporeal existence causes me such pain. Such pain, the likes of which you cannot begin to comprehend. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

So … you’re just hanging out?
(gasp) Hanging? Yes. Hanging, as it were… You know, that is how they found me, after the wedding party left, and my betrothed failed to arrive at the cathedral at the appointed hour of our nuptials.

Omigod! Elinor, I am SO embarrassed. I forgot that you hung yourself.
Grammatically, it’s “hanged.” Only in the instance of hanging, as in by the neck until death, of course. Otherwise, the past tense would be “hung.”

That is true. So, do you live on the Hill?
Live? Live? Vile woman, why must you mock my crushing and unending pain?

---

No! Really, I’m sorry. I know you’re a ghost, and I shouldn’t have…
I prefer the term “Non-Corporeal American,” thank you.

Right. So, as a Non-Corporeal American, I bet you’ve seen a lot of changes in this neighborhood over the years.
I have. I fear that even those of us who have been lurking and weeping in this area for more than a century will be… what is your fleshy human term? Oh, yes. “Priced out.” For instance, I fear that my home will soon be turned into has been described as “soulless condominiums.”

Some of the newer buildings are very innovative; I’m not sure you can say that all of them are “soulless.”
My good lady, I mean literally, not figuratively. The new buildings have no ghosts. Ghosts are like artists. People move to a place to be near them, then, in a short space of time, we are chased out so that all these new railroad magnates and horse carriage manufacturers can move in. Then the artists and ghosts have to move to White Center, and raise the property values there. I fear that will happen to me. And then I will have fewer Public Houses in walking distance. Oh, the pain. The paaaaaaaaain!

So, what are some of your favorite local, um, haunts?
The Canterbury, for one. I’ve been going there for years. Since before it was popular.

“Since before it was popular?” You sound like a hipster.
By which I mean, since before it was a Public House. It was once a Shoppe of Sundries for the Occult, and they summoned me often. Also, I enjoy frequenting the Capitol Club, upstairs in the back. And the bar that used to be a funeral home, by what name is it now called?

Yeah, we’ve already given them a lot of free advertizing this year. Where else do you hang—er, frequent?
Hugo House, of course. You see, I write my own poetry…

Of course you do—doesn’t everyone on the Hill? What are some of the things you write about?
The endless pain of love. And vampires. Dark, handsome, brooding vampires.

Any one vampire in particular?
There is a certain worthy gentleman by the name of Victor… He is so very handsome and charming! Ah, good lady, I am getting the vapors at the mere thought of him. Why, oh why, has he not yet asked me for a handkerchief as a token of my affection? Do you think he holds me in high regard? Do you think he will propose marriage?

Listen, I have to be honest. These days, wearing a wedding dress will scare off most single men. Besides, I’m pretty sure Victor is gay.
Of course he’s gay! I, too, was once gay.

You mean, like, in college?
I was gay and carefree and full of joy, until I was left at the altar on my wedding day! But would Victor give me his heart, I could dare to be gay once again. If he does not, I shall plunge a bare bodkin into my chest, again and again and—

Yeah. I wouldn’t lead with that. Any plans for Halloween?
I shall re-enact my death. Thereafter, I will go slightly move a glass at the Canterbury, and perhaps flicker the lights. You know, as one does…

 

VICTOR, TIMELESS

How long have you lived on the Hill?
I moved here when I was about 30, so…30-something years?

Wow. You’re very well-preserved. What do you do for a living?
I’m an actor/model/musician and an amateur phlebotomist. Right now, I’m in this new reality show called the “House of the Undead,” which we’re filming in a so-called haunted house here on the Hill. It’s me, and this weird ghost chick, a zombie, a mummy, a demon, and Kid Rock. You know, the usual suspects.

Isn’t reality TV, I dunno…fake?
I think of it as acting, rather than “being fake.” My agent says it’s a good way to get into SAG. But I’ve been on ton of reality shows now, and still waiting.

What other shows have you been on?
I was featured on “MTV Crypts,” “Gay Vampires” on Bravo, and “Pimp My Ride.”

I think Elinor has a crush on you.
Yeah, poor girl. She is simply not getting the message. Gaydar wasn’t invented until the mid-20th century, you know — Elinor doesn’t even have the Beta model. The fact that she doesn’t have a penis is one thing, but the fact that she doesn’t have a body? That’s an issue. And what’s up with the wedding dress? I’m all, “Elinor? Miss Havisham from Great Expectations called. She wants her weirdness back!”

Is not having a body a dealbreaker for you, when it comes to relationships?
It may not be politically correct, but I’ll say it. Dating someone without a body is WAY less fun.

Some of our “non-corporeal” readers may be offended by that.
Well, they can go on the Internet and complain about it.

Do you live on the Hill?
Yes, my lair is right next to Volunteer Park.

You mean, in the cemetery?
What? You think I live in the friggin’ cemetery?! You just assume that because I’m a vampire… I live in a condo, not a tomb. Geesh.

I’m sorry. I guess I have some pre-conceived notions about vampires. For instance, I thought you guys couldn’t be photographed or seen in a mirror?
Nope. Not true. And we don’t all sleep in coffins, either. My new lair has stainless steel appliances and everything. The neighborhood used to be a lot more run-down back when I was alive.

Based on your outfit, I’m guessing that was the 1880s?
No, actually, it was the late 70s. I got vamped at a David Bowie concert in London. You couldn’t tell who was a vampire and who wasn’t at those things.

What are some of your favorite hangouts on the Hill?
I like Cupcake Royale. Also, The Men’s Tomb.

You mean The Men’s Room?
No, no—it’s a bar for the undead and their allies.

What do you like to do in your free time?
I’m in a band called “Trans.” We do a lot of ambient-electronic pipe organ music.

Tell me about the name of your band, “Trans.” Is that a reference to transgender?
Yes, but also “Transylvania” and “transgressive” and “Trans Am.” See? It works on a lot of different levels.

Wait…Trans Am?
Like I said, my heyday was in the 80s. So sue me, Yuppie!

Wow, you are from the 80s. What do you think is the sexiest spot on the Hill?
My lair—ha! That, or Club Mercury. People there think I’m actually alive, since I’m less pale than most of the other patrons. When I’m there, I feel like I’m only 62 again.

Victor photo by Keith Johnson

DAVE, 29

Do you live on the Hill?
No. But I am dead here!

(Groan.) Are you a Seattle native?
No, I’m originally from Sunnydale, California. I came here after the entire city collapsed into a giant hole. Amazingly, it wasn’t on the news in most places.

What brought you here?
I was following the scent of fear that emanates from live humans … you know, like you do after graduation. At the end of the trip, I ended up in Seattle and never left.

What are some of the things you like best about this area?
There are a lot of smart people on the Hill. Lots of brains… sweet, delicious braaaaaaaaains.

Is there anything you don’t like?
Yeah, the whole “Seattle Freeze.” People seem really friendly at first. They say, they want to hang out, “You can totally eat my brains sometime!” all that. But then, when you try to reach out to them and try to actually eat their brains? They won’t return your calls, or they hit you with a shovel, or whatever.

That sounds very frustrating. What do you do for a living?
I work in accounts receivable, but that blows. I’m also in a band, though.

Yeah, yeah. You and everyone else. What kind of music do you play?
It’s kind of like Bad Brains. We sing a lot about …braaaaaaaaains. Mmmmmm. Braaaains.

What are some of your favorite hangouts on the Hill?
Volunteer Park after dark, high schools, the cemetery. Oh, and Victrola. Love that place—great mochas!

What do you think is the sexiest spot on the Hill?
The local morgue, at night. It’s a great place for a first date. Their brains are fresh and whenever possible, they’re local and organic and….braaaaaaaains.

Are you okay? Would you mind standing back a little bit?
Mmmmmm. Say, this might seem like an odd question, but, do you mind if I eat your brains?

I’m sorry, but—yeah. I kind of DO mind.
What, you think you’re too good to have your cerebellum ingested by a lowly zombie?

I’m not … no. Really. Nothing against zombies—my cousin’s a zombie! It’s just that I’m sort of, you know, using my brains.
Yeah, you’re using them SO well. Hellooooo? You’re the one interviewing a friggin’ zombie.

Ouch.
That’s what she said! You know, when I ate her brains.

More CHS Crow:

• Doug, Tiffany & Marty — ‘I may be on Capitol Hill, I’m not sure’
• Lou, Carrie & Yohan — ‘The ghost messed with me a lot’
• Jorge, Monica & Jake — ‘… so I blend in’
• More…

Marguerite Kennedy is a freelance writer, semi-professional thumb wrestler, and recovering New Yorker who currently resides on Capitol Hill. She blogs at www.marguerite-aville.com, and does that other thing @tweetmarguerite.