Am I a Monster?
On a daily basis we are hearing, and reading, more about the suicide rate in the military.
In addition to those dismal statistics it has become mainstream news that many people returning from one, or multiple tours, from Iraq or Afghanistan, are coming home broken.
Many face challenges beyond their abilities to cope.
Many find family relationships frayed beyond repair.
Many cannot find employment.
More are showing up on the streets homeless and lost.
Many are wandering around inside their heads trying to avoid the message that they became a monster over there.
Paul, a Seattle resident, faced the fury of the Viet Cong and North Vietnamese when they swooped down on the South Vietnamese, American and allied troops on 20 January 1968, forever know as the Tet Offensive.
Paul was part of the intensive fighting around Huế that lasted a month.
It concluded when the city was destroyed, as the Communists were executing thousands.
Paul spent another seven months slogging through the muck in pursuit of the VC.
After his tour, and a rotation back to Pendleton, he left the Marines in hopes of putting it all behind him.
He never did-
Paul spent the rest of his life getting high and incredibly drunk whenever he could. He couldn’t hold a regular job so he honed his skills working with stone. He was good at molding boulders to his will in the most amazing ways. His talent brought him work, as his addictions burned up the money.
His relationships were destroyed.
His kids avoided him.
Four trips to 21-day rehab clinics did nothing.
He couldn’t find any peace.
He couldn’t stop drinking.
As the years passed his military service became more irrelevant.
The monster that his inner voice created only quieted when he was out cold in an alcohol daze.
1968 might as well have been when the dinosaurs roamed.
Paul was irrelevant.
Paul was alone.
Paul was dying inside.
Iraq and Afghanistan got all the news.
Paul had a very difficult time talking about his experiences beyond clipped words that slipped out half way down the bottle of Jack.
He knew I knew, so not a lot had to be said.
He experienced what I had not, but he knew I knew.
We hung out quite a bit.
Paul’s reactions, and integrations of his experiences, are not all that unique to many I know, or knew, who fought in Vietnam.
Many returned to live out “normal” lives.
Many did not.
Many still deal with the stink of the jungle and all it brought to their young souls.
Paul died of guilt.
Sure, his liver was shot from years of booze.
The docs also blamed Agent Orange, though that may have been to give him some last day coverage and lesson his deathbed shame.
His family had gathered around his hospital bed though he may have never known it, as he never opened his eyes those last few days.
Paul was a good guy broken by more than he could ever carry.
Today’s story, carried by the AP, is the truth, whether we want to accept it or not.
“… WASHINGTON (AP) 22 FEBRUARY 2013 –A veteran of the wars of Iraq and Afghanistan, former Marine Capt. Timothy Kudo thinks of himself as a killer – and he carries the guilt every day.
“I cant forgive myself,” he says. “And the people who can forgive me are dead.”
I’m sorry Paul that there was no cure for you and no relief from your guilt.
I miss you-
M Barrett Miller
Let Kids Be Kids, Inc.