You haven’t been paying attention to your local City Council race. Because you have a life. But you watched the debates (in a bar) or the news (Daily Show), so you are vaguely familiar with the 2020 presidential candidates. So as a public service, this is who the local D3 candidates would be if they were presidential contenders (spoiler: they’re not great, but they’re better than Trump).

Logan BOWERS is Elizabeth Warren
Shut up about your plan already. Do people actually buy this? What makes you think you have the answers?

Zachary DeWOLF is Pete Buttigieg
Opportunist from an unlikely elected position. Where he was awful. Speaks very well about himself, though.

Pat MURAKAMI is Joe Biden
Just, no.

Amy NGUYEN is Kamala Harris
Lawyer with a compelling background. But is anyone concerned about what she actually did as a lawyer?

Egan ORION is [Electable White Guy]
This guy is the business candidate. The establishment candidate. Not much substance, but he looks electable.

Kshama SAWANT is Bernie Sanders
Their only goal seems to be: TAX THE RICH, LOUDLY! Ineffective legislators, disliked among their peers. Their stans are even less tolerable than they are.

Now that we cleared that up, you only have ONE political race to ignore until the morning of Election Day. You’re welcome.