Sunday morning when you curl up with the latest Modern Love column in the New York Times, you’ll be reading a voice from Capitol Hill. Writer Margot Page penned this week’s essay about finding new meaning in the words “husband” and “wife” in a post-R74 Washington. Here’s a passage:
In the months and years that led up to Washington State’s vote on R74 last November, a referendum that would legalize same-sex marriage, I was adamant that my marriage was in no way threatened by someone else’s. I never got the logic of how anyone’s marriage could defile mine. But I also didn’t anticipate that, in taking on the words of the institution, same-sex couples would bring those terms back, refreshed, to me. That my friends Knox and Victor would fluff up those tired old words and, in doing so, brighten the entire institution. (Really, I should have seen it coming.)
Two months ago, we Washington residents, gay and straight, finally rose up together to say, “It’s time.” We passed R74 on Nov. 6, and immediately my Facebook newsfeed erupted with vocabulary that suddenly didn’t seem tired:
“My soon-to-be-legal husband is outside planting leeks … “
“We will be getting married, and I might actually, legally, take my wife’s name! Should I? Discuss.”
NO one could accuse the gay community of being stuck in a tired paradigm or of following old habits and expectations. And yet here they were, claiming the old language. Using the lexicon of traditional marriage not as I had, to poke fun and create distance, but in the spirit of the vows they now got to speak. I watched in wonder as my friends claimed the words “husband” and “wife” with reverence and delight and gusto. more…
We asked Page if her friends Victor and Knox wouldn’t mind sharing a few pictures from their wedding day. Congratulations to all husbands and husbands, wives and wives, husbands and wives.
Page describes herself as a longtime Hill resident – except for the one time when she threw all her family’s stuff in the basement and hauled them off to live in Costa Rica. She has written a book about that experience – You can read an excerpt here.
Thanks to Margot Page for such a beautiful essay. I’ve long found myself having exactly the same internal conversation around the terminology of traditional marriage, and now I have a newly appreciative way to think about it.
Yes, it’s amazing how some things that didn’t seem so important before, suddenly, this December, demanded attention.
My partner and I have been together since 1979. We exchanged rings bought at a small store in Pike Place Market on the first day of spring, 1980. We were old hands at being together and, having lived in the same Capitol Hill neighborhood for over 30 years, so were our neighbors accustomed to us as partners.
We always said that we’d get married if laws changed; when the referendum allowed The Law to recognize our commitment on Dec. 6, we were downtown getting our license the same day as so many others.
What surprised us most that day and so many after it was the joyful response of our neighbors, of all our straight acquaintances. We got hugs, hard hugs; we got kisses. We could hear a sigh of relief in the congratulations offered, as if people suddenly felt freed of the stress over what and how to do with a pledged couple that had not partaken of The Ceremony, that had not formally acquired the proper accoutrements of a socially accepted bond.
We were touched by the enthusiasm. And, we began to think that perhaps we needed gold bands. The thought surprised us, but then again, the response of our friends had, too. Suddenly, we too felt the importance of more than just being able to call each other “wife” in public, no matter who was within hearing. It was a bit of a giggle at first, and then became something Very Important.
Having planned to marry on Solstice, the 21st, we found ourselves sitting at the showcase of a local jeweler on the 17th, asking with a touch of embarrasssment if it was possible to have the rings by Friday. We could. We did, in fact, on Wednesday. Two days later, the ceremony was held in our living room, complete with the traditional exchange of two golden rings.
We cried; neighbors and friends cried. And yesterday I enjoyed showing off the simple gold band I wore yet again to a business friend. Traditional, yes. Unexpected, most certainly. And consistently, I can feel people silently nod in satisfaction, finally able to relax into their public recognition (finally!) of our togetherness.
(And, the men! The woman may have been happy for us, but the men were absolutely ecstatic! The legality seemed emotionally crucial to them and they couldn’t stop grinning.)
Congratulations to you and your wife, and thanks for sharing so beautifully! Your story is every bit as lovely and moving as Page’s essay. I’m so joyous that you (and many others) finally get to choose just how you want your love to be recognized, named, and celebrated.
Congratulations Maggie. In the last couple of months I find myself thinking I still can’t really believe this all has happened. Your story made me a bit teary-eyed and brought me back to the happy realization that yes, it really has. Thanks for sharing.
And congrats to Margot. You’ve reminded me again about why I’m so happy, lucky, and proud to live in Seattle, surrounded by lots of neighbors just like you.