by Justus D’Addario MA, LMHCA
What is it like to read these words? You have the capacity to heal whatever suffering you are experiencing. If you’ll humor me, go back and change the “you” to “I” and the “you are” to “I am”. I’m guessing that it’s hard to say this affirmation to yourself. It only took me about 17 years to have this statement seem true for me some days. If your experience is anything like mine, you might be aware of other thoughts like “yeah right”, “what a bunch of new age junk”, or “you don’t know anything about my life”. In my own journey toward well being, having had Rheumatoid Arthritis since age five, I’ve found that a positive re-frame of obstacles, suffering, and illness is only helpful when it comes from the person who is having the experience. It is a personal decision when and how to make our suffering fuel for our personal evolution. There are a few reasons for this.
To begin, I remember the Sufi teacher Himayat Inayati saying that in healing it is of the utmost importance for the suffering person to be allowed to “sit on the throne of their life”. I’ve always liked this approach and felt it ring very true for me. It hurts to be diagnosed, prescribed, or manipulated by someone who doesn’t seem to understand how your life is or what factors led you to this moment. Each of us has an innate drive to be seen and understood for who we are, multifaceted people doing our best in a complex world.
Just going to the supermarket and seeing all the magazines at the checkout, it is clear that we’re socialized to look around outside of ourselves for attention and approval. Before we ask for help, or formulate our question, many answers are offered to us. Normally, based on this orientation, when we are feeling out of whack, we ignore it, or if it gets really bad, we go to the experts for a quick fix. Is there a pill for this? Can I get an adjustment? There is something valuable in being able to be saved by the heroes of medicine and technology. As with everything, there is also a price that we pay, we lose our balance.
In getting used to relying on others to tell us what is going on in our life, we forget how to tap into our own wisdom. If we always go to the hero for help, we never get the opportunity to be the hero in our story. This is a very common life path that we all walk down at some point. It’s not so bad in many cases, and it seems to work for a lot of people. During an intense flare up of RA at the end of my undergraduate studies, I was very thankful for the medication I took for a while that helped me regain the ability to walk without pain. It seems to me though, that external sources of pain management are best in crisis situations. Sustainability requires a different approach, that doesn’t cost so much and has less negative side effects.
What I have found is that people who are aware of suffering, in their own lives and those of others, are more likely to engage in learning the tools of mindfulness, the skills that help us develop resilience. These skills are gifts that we have that help to deal with our trauma. This is the archetype of the Wounded Healer, the one who has recovered from suffering and brings their tools of recovery to others who are suffering.
When you’re in pain, almost everyone you meet will offer you other kinds of gifts, whether it’s medication, types of healing, a diet, or my personal favorite: Arnica gel (it really works!). Of course these answers are offered out of a sense of caring and wanting to help. After all the questions of “why did this happen?”, “if only they (or I) would have done that differently”, and trying different types of healing, we are directed back toward ourselves. Any of these things might really be helpful, especially when we can chose them to be part of our healing process.
The basic shift that I am outlining here, is where we begin to shift from external to internal reliance and responsibility. We begin to realize we have a hand in the dramas that unfold in our life, the stress we experience, and the anxiety that fills our minds. It is not a question of placing blame, but rather becoming aware of our thoughts, emotions, and sensations as a potential source of power rather than a drain on our system. Sometimes this power is expressed in the decision to take medicine that will help us recover from serious illness, sometimes we can relate to a loved one in a new way, and sometimes it leads us to learn how to come back to the present moment.
By using mindfulness practices, we expand the capacity of our minds, and our ideas about our selves become more flexible. From the grounded and expanded sense of self developed through mindfulness and counseling, when we see our thoughts, emotions and sensations arise, they are not as large. Therefore we are guided by our feeling of what is right for us, rather than what is popular, and even more important we aren’t deciding from a place of fear. This shift is what allows us to begin to reclaim the power that we usually expend in resisting and ignoring negative emotions, thoughts, and sensations. As we take the time to become more expansive, flexible and free, we don’t feel compelled to problem solve each negative thought, sensation, or emotion that comes up.
These are some of the reasons that mindfulness practice is so important. Our practice becomes a place to become familiar with our system (body, thoughts, emotions, and breath) in its natural state. So as we practice, bringing ourselves back to how we are in this moment, whether we are doing tai chi, dancing, walking, breathing, jogging, meditating, bowling, gardening, etc., we gather more familiarity with our sense of balance and groundedness. So take some time out for yourself during this busy holiday season.
One quick resource on the web is a short introductory practice on my website www.counselingoncapitolhill.com, if you are looking for something beyond your normal repertoire of enjoyable activities. I will also be offering free Mindfulness talks and practices to illustrate the arc of this series of articles at locations in Capitol Hill and Seattle, throughout January and February, details available on my website under “Upcoming Events”. Next month, I’ll go into further detail on the experience of stepping onto the path of healing and recovery. As always, please contact me via phone or email if you’d like to take the next step in your healing journey by setting up a free consultation.
